Monday, April 26, 2010

MORE forgotten acceptance speeches

so an idea of forgotten acceptance speeches is something i found very funny some time ago. with most things like that, i tire of them so quickly and leave them for dead. to cite examples, let us look back at wearing very short, poorly hemmed jean shirts and the phrase "sickening."
so yes, i tend to leave things i find funny behind. not intentionally, but as a snake sheds it's skin, so do i leave behind things like leaving voicemails for my friends from nameless pimps looking to bolster their lineups (megan murphy, you've probably received too many.) but sometimes it's good to revisit, and recently i've been thinking about a speech i think is already in its formative stages as we speak.

forgotten acceptance speeches: the james cameron memorial greenhouse/vault

"thank you, thank all of you. please, you can all sit. no, please, everyone take a seat! (five minutes of uninterrupted applause, then everyone sits) wow, i really did not expect that at all. (manager off the stage writes checks for applause. doors lock.) it is so great to be here tonight in front of a group of performers, writers, visual designers and friends that have all meant so much to me. (pure unfiltered oxygen begins pumping through ventillation system)
now as you all know, this has not been an easy ride for me. i've gone from directing scenes in piranha 2 to literally spitting in the face of jesus himself after films like 'avatar,' 'avatar 2' and the forthcoming third installment 'avatar tres: los unobtainios'. none of my success would be possible without me torturing you one and all. being so demanding that all of you at one point questioned whether you still had a love for your craft. watching the last shred of confidence bleed out of you in some studio in burbank has been an honor for me. it's shells of people like you that make me want to keep working in this town, returning every night to my hover-boat docked safely off of the misty cliffs of malibu.
to receive a greenhouse *slash* fortified money shelter in my honor is something i am humbled to accept. it has always been my dream to foster growth and germination like the kind seen on pandora, the planet i dreamed up and have legal proprietary rights to. and that includes that piece of shit internet radio station. so to get a greenhouse in my honor, it is a beautiful thing. hopefully i can grow a tree as tall and beautiful as the tree of souls. or whatever that thing was called, i can't really think of it right now. again, thank you!
(two minutes of uninterrupted standing ovations)
but i am not only thankful for the greenhouse, but thankful for the james cameron memorial vault as well. having earned more many than any of you could possibly comprehend, you all must find it silly to want a vault dedicated solely to you and your next of kin, which will indefinitely be small, lifelike clones of myself with two times the brain capacity and devoid of all emotion.
this donation to my honor is going to help make great strides in medical research. as we speak i have a team of elite physicians, surgeons and emt's working round the clock to find a way to liquify money, keep it at a suitable core temperature and then inject it directly into my bloodstream. with only a few more injections, i will have reached a minimal percentage of lifeblood, where i will cease to be james cameron and henceforth be known only as cameron, director, writer and ruler of all breathing life.
so it is now i ask all of you - everyone of you from sigourney weaver to my bizarre, waifish wife who has the cold touch of an iguana - to gather close. step around by my side, drop to one knee and wash my feet. lay your hands upon me. for today is not only a day of celebration for the james cameron memorial greenhouse/vault, but it is a portal to the future. touch me, my children, and let me lead you with a quivering lip and steely cold stare. my name is james cameron, now watch me levitate."

1 comment:

emr said...

pj mcgillicuddy: never forget