Tuesday, January 20, 2009

the audacity of hope

some people said it couldn't be done. few believed it would actually happen. but last friday my world was turned upside down. the unthinkable sprang forth into the world of actuality.

staples called me back. i start on friday. yes we can! (have shitty part-time jobs!)

as dan and i were in the parking lot of kmart looking to buy spray paint so dan could do some stenciling (read: put anarchy signs on predominant kent buildings), i got a call from a number i didn't recognize but somehow knew very well.

the unsure and sedated voice on the other end of the line i immediately recognized as dan, the man who gave me my first interview and my soon to be new boss. he asked if i could come in on friday to watch training videos and start on paperwork. i said sure, with the excitement of an inmate who just got his 11 year sentence shortened down to 9. i mean, on the one hand its a job. and on the other its at staples, where i'm sure if i applied myself i could be manager in about two and a half months. either way i've already likened this experience to two years of probation and i can only assume it will ring true.

the biggest thing that i worry about, though, is the slim chance that i'm going to love it. that starting at my training i will be one hundred percent in love with my position at staples. i'll learn the cash register, master the color copier and soon enough i'll be the assistant manager, signing a lease on a new kia and trying to pump up the sales staff on the latest sale on usb cables.

what if that fucking happens? what if i just get an apartment in twinsburg and start eating at mavis winkle's like every other tuesday? what if i take a bride that works at staples? what if grow a moustache? what if you have to grow a moustache to work at staples long-term? what if i have to buy black walking shoes? WHAT IF I BUY TWO PAIRS OF BLACK WALKING SHOES?

i guess time can only tell if my fears will be realized. friday at 8 am will start the great experiment. for my sake, i'm pretty sure i'll be miserable but content. it'll give me some source of minimal income and help break up the monotony of my busy week, full of watching tv and a constant sense of uneasiness that can only come from being 25 and living in your parents' house.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

everybody's working for the bleak-end

here i am, the eve before i call staples for a third time in order to procure a second interview. what's that? yes. you read that correctly.

you see i guess staples (read: shitty office supply chain) has some sort of divine screening process that only makes sure the truly chosen ones are accepted for mindless copy work or variably paced register work. maybe they know i'm not jewish already, thus the elusive tactics they seem to use everytime i call.

-"yeah, well we're just pretty busy right now, but we'll get you in next week for a second interview."

-"tell you what, we'll call right after the holidays, we're just too busy right now to get new people in here."

-"listen jeff, you seem like a nice guy, but you have a degree. like...a real degree. stacey over here can't even spell degree...but i bet if you wrote it down she could make five dozen perfect photocopies in a range of any color you could want. what the hell are you doing with your life? i mean...this is staples...in streetsboro...ohio."
"you know the best part of my day? when i go to your house to pick you up and for a split second i think maybe you're not gonna be there. that you took off somewhere."
"isn't that from good will - "
"please get out of my office."
"so that's a 'no' then?"
"just please leave, i'm very strong."

so tomorrow i get to call them again. and look for more jobs to complement the intense winter depression i'll certainly be facing over the next two months. if things work out well, i'll be working somewhere soon in attempts to save up money and move my ass to a city. if things don't work out, well, my writing's going to get a lot better or be one of those "i'm starting to worry about my friend" type of an operation. here's hoping it's enough of both.

-"hi, may i speak to a manager please?....hi, my name is jeff miller, i'm wondering if you're hiring right now...yes i'm aware it's january...in a horrible recession...and i know i'm well overqualified for this position...yes...no...no...of course...no...well i mean technically my friend told me to do it....i think it was about a six lane street...umm word for word??....something involving a taser and crime not paying...no....yes....no....ok thanks for your time."