New Game Release “Sitar Hero” Receives Dismal Reviews

By Ravi F. Shankar III

Well, if I told you I expected this I would clearly be lying. This was my chance, the time was right and…well, as you can see by this bar graph representing video game sales, we fared lower than “Mathematics for the Incontinent,” an algebra themed game geared for the loosely-boweled. Christ almighty, I mean a diarrhea smart game beat us. I guess it is just painfully obvious the public is not ready to embrace the world of droning, 23-stringed gourd instruments.

I had the idea while I was touring throughout Persia. A ne’erdowell on the street propositioned me to purchase something called “Guitar Hero,” a game where Caucasians emulate their rudimentary and syphilis-laden music stars. After examining the game, which the man informed me “was a big time popularity game time in America,” I purchased it and went home. After playing for less than two hours, I had defeated every level on the hardest setting. This got my sitar wheels in motion.

“If mimicking a six string guitar is fun, and profitable, why won’t quadrupling the intensity produce quadruple the profit?” I, obviously, have only had limited training in both business and mathematics.

If I could only go back in time and kick myself in the balls, then I wouldn’t be thousands of dollars in debt, the laughing stock of my country and on the receiving end of a public “total body hair wax off,” customary in my village for those who bring shame to it.
But, as it were, my beloved “Sitar Hero” came into being and I did not have the foresight to know it would be so poorly received.

I mean, I understand that it may be a little “unorthodox” from other gaming controllers, but gaining dexterity on a 23-string pan lute requires time. But I guess time is something that none of these impatient assholes in America has. One time I spent a year just playing four notes on my sitar. FOUR FUCKING NOTES. During that time my wife left me, I was discharged from the National Sitarmy, a public music defense program, and had to start subletting a basement shanty. So don’t talk to me about “time.”

And they even try and tell me “the songs are too obscure” and “the advanced setting is a literal physical impossibility for any human being to do.”

I mean, I tried to pick out songs that people would know – believe me. I had one Beatles song and one Rolling Stones, other than that it’s all from the other side of the globe, baby.
But I was hopeful. Maybe playing sitar can be the newest “shitty idea actually gains popularity” thing, like that Dancing with the Stars or letting women vote. But boy was I wrong again, apparently if you’re not tattooed up or letting your vagina hang out of a limo nobody has any clue who you are anymore.

And in defense of the advanced setting, it IS setup to play with the skill and sanctity of a six-armed Hindu god, so you are right in saying that no human can play it. That’s the point. The advanced stage gives you a time to not only reflect on your gameplay thus far, but pray and meditate. It’s an added bonus to the game, douche bags.

So as I am receiving angry letter upon angry letter, I have come to an understanding that the world is not ready for “Sitar Hero.” It was my idea, it did not work, and now I am forced to live with the consequences. And right now those consequences are bubbling up a large cauldron of wax on the town square.