walking dogs with gyro bob

this afternoon, as i usually tend to do, i took my parent's dog marvin to a dog park close to home. usually it's pretty empty because every other person is working or doing something with their lives, but today marv and i were able to share the park with another man and his dog.
rolling up with a border collie, a man got out of a 15 passenger "this van is hiding some secret" van and said hello. rather, he didn't just say hello, it was more of a "how's it goin, guy."
having spent a good deal of time in maine this past summer, i've learned that to be the typical greeting for any mainard. "hey there, guy" or "how ya doin there, guy" is pretty much all you hear. couple that with a disturbing amount of back tattoos and you'd be right home in the upper northeast reaches of the country. but the man did not seem to be from maine and the indians hat perched on his oblong head assured me he was all northeastern ohio.
after getting into the park and doing the typical dog small talk (what kind of dog is that? how old is he? oh wow, he looks great. oh, yeah? he's that smart? wow, and you say he can flush the toilet? you sir are living the dream.) we got to talking about what we do. whereas i don't have much to say right now, i was informed that i wasn't talking to a mere man. no, friends, the man i encountered just off ravenna road was a living kent legend: gyro bob. for anyone unfamiliar with his handiwork, gyro bob has been the pere noel of drunken food cravings for the better part of two decades. from lamb to cheesesteak, gyro bob is stationed in downtown kent in a silver fortress of trans fat. some even call him a miracle worker. those who were drunk but ten minutes ago are "now cool to drive, bro," and the loneliness of another failed night at finding love gets dulled with a sweet, cool cucumber taste. yes, gyro bob is and seems always will be an integral part of kent alcoholism.
knowing that i was talking to a veritable fountain of information and stories, i took advantage of the time he and i shared. in the circularity of throwing tennis balls back and forth, we covered the truly hard-hitting topics. things like using the tops of tzatziki containers as frisbees, routine begging for free food, and, of course, the time he offered a free gyro for fellatio.
now, although i cannot remember how most of the conversation went, i do remember some great gems bestowed upon me by the prince of pita. i would like to share them now but due to the fact that gyro bob has one of the dirtiest mouths i've ever heard, i will be replacing every profanity with the word GYROS! please enjoy.

on his dog
oh, he's so smart. one night he wanted to play and i was exhausted, sleeping on an air mattress. and since i wouldn't play this GYROS! bites the GYROS! plug off my bed. i mean, what a GYROS!

on people asking for free food
i don't wanna see your GYROS!, i just want some GYROS! cash. you've seen one pair of GYROS! you've seen 'em all!

on more people asking for free food
i probably could've had 400 GYROS! from drunk girls at this point. it's ridiculous. they all wanna be GYROS! paris hilton. skanks.

on free food, but wanting a "favor in return"
gb: you want a free gyro? how about this. i'll give you a free gyro if you give me a GYROS!
girl: GYROS! no! you're GYROS! disgusting!
gb: you've had GYROS! in your mouth for less than four dollars, what's different about now!

on local authorities
the cops are GYROS! GYROS!. arresting some GYROS! kid for walking home at 11 after a few drinks. come on. (pause) GYROS!.

well, as you can imagine the conversation continues in this same vain for quite some time. up until about the time where i became noticeably uncomfortable and was lucky i had a dog to blame my leaving on. i told him i would stop by next time i'm downtown on the weekends and he wished me a happy holidays. we waved from our cars and both drove off in separate directions, dogs peering out of our passenger windows.
"man, that guy is wild," i say to marvin. he looks back at me, having no understanding of what i just said or what just happened. all i knew was that i was really hungry. and anything in a pita sounded GYROS! awesome.